Thursday, March 15, 2007

On Hearts and Tears

Some people wear their hearts on their sleeves. I wear my heart buried deep within, beneath my flesh and ribs and veins carrying blood. I cry, rarely, out of frustration, even more infrequently out of physical pain, never out of anything else. Sometimes I wonder if I truly feel.

Or maybe I feel--it’s just so deeply buried that I can’t find it when I want to, that even I can’t know what I’m feeling because my heart is so buried beneath so many layers, because knowing what I feel would entail really feeling and I’m not quite ready to really feel. Because feeling, I know, opens one up to pain also. If you can pretend to be cold, pretend not to have a heart, pretend that is so, so buried that it is not truly there anymore, then you can pretend you are never hurt, pretend you don’t ever cry.

You can pretend so well that even you think it is true.

UPDATE: It didn't work. Apparently, I do have a heart after all. I'm not sure which is worse.


At 3/16/07, 11:14 AM, Blogger Scraps said...

"Be careful what you pretend to be; because, in the end, you are what you pretend to be."

It's funny...I think I spent a good portion of my life trying to be what you are. I tried so hard to bury my heart, to make myself invincible, untouchable. To make myself someone who couldn't be hurt. And I failed miserably, because I remained vulnerable but cut myself off from people because I was afraid of being hurt.

Then there came a point when, more than ever before, I needed to be able to pass as "fine", no matter how badly I was doing in real life. And so...I learned how. I learned to pretend and act like everything was peachy...and you know what? Success isn't always all that it's cracked up to be.


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