Tuesday, March 21, 2006

What Happens When Eli7 Loses All Discretion

Eli7 should not be allowed anywhere near a computer with Internet access when she is going through weird emotional stuff. Perhaps I will take this down soon. I probably should not post this at all. Not even a little bit. But anyway...

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."

"It's the friends you can call at 4 a.m. that matter."

Ok, my friend just had a baby, it seems like almost all my good friends are married/engaged/getting engaged/happily dating. I am not. And that's all great. Really. I love my friends deeply and am so, so happy for them when they're happy. And much as I would like to find my Prince Charming sooner than later, I am not bitter because I haven't yet (I'm 21 for God's sake, not 40).

So, I should be happy, happy, happy right now, right? I should be signing OnlySimchas like crazy, buying outfits I can wear to weddings, shopping for a baby gift, planning bridal showers, etc., right?

Except, that I've found myself in a funk lately. And I will repeat just in case you didn't catch it in a previous paragraph, I am not bitter about being single. But there is a certain melancholy attached to these changes for me. Because much as they try to deny it, I am losing my friends to these happy occasions. Not in a they-don't care-about-me-because-they-found-boys sort of way. I know my friends still care about me. I don't doubt that even a little. But it's different. The whole dynamic changes when there's a boy in the picture, when they have someone else to go to and you don't, when you can't call them at 4 a.m. anymore, when they lose touch with what you're going through. And they do.

This post is not supposed to be about how I'm mad at my friends. I'm not mad at them. (If you're reading this blog and I know you personally, I am NOT angry at you, I repeat NOT angry at you). And I feel like a truly terrible person for even posting this where some of those people will see it, for telling some of those people how freaked out certain things make me, even as I beg them for details. Because I should just be the happy, supportive friend, right?

But I can't shake the feeling that while they're gaining, I'm losing. And I can't help but be sad about that. I don't think we should resist change and I don't think we can stay 18 forever and I don't think we should even if we could. And I know this isn't really about me at all and I probably shouldn't be so worked up about it. And of course I recognize how amazing this is. Of course I'm happy. Of course I am going to dance like crazy at a million weddings.

But then I'm going to go home. Alone.


At 3/22/06, 3:33 AM, Blogger yakki said...

Supposedly good things come to those who wait and are patient..

At 3/22/06, 6:24 AM, Blogger scwitt said...

I am a true believer in "everything happens in its time, for a reason and works out for the best in the end" as it has proven true in many cases. However, your post dealt a blow to my denial dwelling psyche. It brought to light the reality that not only you alone, face. For this I thank you, I think.

At 3/22/06, 7:35 AM, Blogger Eli7 said...

But Yakki, it's not about that and I hate it when people think it is. I'm upset because I feel like I'm losing my friends. I'm afraid I'm going to be alone because my friends will be gone, not because I've yet to find a husband.

(A friend who said something similar to Yakki's comment showed me just how far gone she is and how much she has lost touch with what I'm feeling.)

And Scwitt, you should still believe that. I still do. Things do happen for a reason, things are hard for a reason, people grow and change for the better in response to different stimuli. Just because it's not easy doesn't mean it's not going to work out in the end.

At 3/22/06, 8:20 AM, Blogger bellanny said...

I feel like I am losing my friends one by one too. Some of them have gotten married, but most have not. After I graduated college I really felt alone. The friends who graduated with me have gone back home, and those still in college are busy with school. Sometimes I do feel like I am all alone and it's not fun. That doesn't mean I am going to go run off and find a husband. But change is hard even if it brings others happiness because someone loses out. You lose a part of yourself and you don't always get it back.

At 3/22/06, 11:08 AM, Blogger Masmida said...


know the feeling.
My best friend from high school is due during the chagim. My best friend from seminary, her kid is 6 monthes now.

It's hard when it's midnight and you want to talk to someone and as you flip through your phone book you realize that, you don't know anyone to call. Then you find a new friend.

It really feels like they're all grown up and we're still kids. Home is still the parent's house, even if we hardly are ever there. We still are involved mostly with ourselves. Just being selfish and that feels immature.

all beginnings are the end of something else.

At 3/22/06, 2:53 PM, Blogger ~ Sarah ~ said...

it's hard when things change and you seem to be stuck.
i sympathise.
but try to stay positive!

At 3/22/06, 4:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not sure who you are Eli7, but I think I'm older than you are. And it is true. People get married and forget their friends. They bump into you and act surprised to see you and promise to call, but they don't. If you call them, they say that they are busy and will call you back later that night. And they don't. Sometimes I wonder why I keep trying. I love the one friend who is married but still calls. She can't always talk when I call, but she does call me back later, either that night or the next. As my final few friends get engaged, I have to act happy for them, as I know I am really just losing yet another friend. So if anyone reading this has single friends, remember that you can call them, you can still do things with them sometimes--maybe not as often, but it doesn't have to be never. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to vent, Eli7. Print your post out and give it to your friends now before it is too late.

At 3/22/06, 5:51 PM, Blogger TRW said...


Hi, my name is TRW, and I'm a single person.

In fact, more of my friends are getting engaged/married than my older sister's and she's three years older than me!

But. I guess it's a matter of perspective. Every once in a while (and recently, more than once in a while ;) ), I just kinda stop and think about me being single and not having a guy to rave about (or to) for hours. But then I kinda ignore the thought, and it goes away. It comes back, but I don't wanna think about it, so it has to go away.

I don't know if that helps, but it's kept me in perspective, I guess. I love my friends, and I'm soooo happy that they're happy.

And marraige shows you about friends. I have a few friends who are soooo careful about keeping up with me, and calling me (when I don't call them 'cause I don't know newly married etiquette) and making me birthday parties at their houses....

B"H, I'm lucky. The friends I've "lost," to some guy, I haven't really lost, 'cause they're amazing.

And I expect that of a specific other amazing friend as well. And you should too.

At 3/23/06, 6:01 AM, Blogger Karl said...

Like others have said, you are not alone.

I was discussing this with a kind married blogger last night and we came to the conclusion (well I did at least) that its another case of the proverbial grass being greener on the other side of the fence. Singles always complain about not being married, and married ones (after a while) alway remenise about "the good old single days". Of course, its only the positive we see of the other side, but you still have the positive side of being single. Everything comes at its right time. I know its not easy when all your friends are not in the same boat. I KNOW its even harder when they have no time for you, but you are still young to enjoy you singledom without being tied down, especially without a job yet - enjoy it while you can.

Others maybe gaining, but you can gain much more in other ways if you spend your time wisely.

At 3/23/06, 7:55 AM, Blogger bellanny said...

I don't think she was complaining about not being married at all,but that it's hard when you are single and don't have the same relationship with your closest friends because it feels like a part of your life is missing

At 3/23/06, 9:03 AM, Blogger Elster said...

Unfortunately, someones' going to get married first and someones going toi be last. I was sort of in the middle. But everyone who isn't first, is always going to be left holding the bag at some point.

In other words, what you are feeling is 100% normal and it's ok. We know you are happy for your friends but a little sad for yourself. It's part of life's cycle.

At 3/23/06, 1:24 PM, Blogger tinablue87 said...

Seeing some of these comments is frustrating me. Why has it become the norm that when a person gets married-one loses touch with reality (reality being everyone else excluding the new husband/wife if one's life).

At 3/27/06, 5:10 PM, Blogger yakki said...

Our realities change when we get married and have a new life to give our life to. We should be selfish and angry or sad that our friends are completing the mitzvah to procreate - to bring new life into the world and have to give their life to the child?

Eli7 I empathize in that I've lost good friends, but this is the number one lesson about friends! Friends come and go, keep one or two for longer periods of time (perhaps always), and keep in mind that family is always there. And even then - sometimes I feel like family are the random (maybe even unknown) people on the world wide web. Is that so wrong? What do these people give you that new people/different people/strangers!/a good book/a walk in the park couldn't give you?


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