Sunday, October 21, 2007

This Is My Brain On ... Too Much Introspection

I've been wanting to write a good, solid post for quite some time -- mostly because I've been meaning to figure out what is going on in my head for quite some time. And for better or for worse, I use my blog to figure these things out.

But I've also been avoiding this for quite some time. I've been doing a lot of procrastinating lately -- a lot of watching stupid television shows on the Internet to avoid thinking. I know this is not healthy. But I'm also sort of afraid to figure things out.

Part of me has not wanted to have to think until I have my own apartment and feel settled. And, alas, I still don't have an apartment. I am living mostly out of suitcases packed from my dorm, a pile of skirts, and a few drawers that I stole from my sister. And I don't have any apartment prospects immediately available.

I am frustrated.

I am also still unsure about my job choice. There are things I love about my new job and things I miss about my old job and times I think I was a fool to give it all up. And often I feel like a failure for not having the more prestigious job even if it wasn't the best job for me.

I am confused.

And I am aching, aching to go back to school. My grandparents and parents would be overjoyed if I decided to go to law school, but, well, I'm not convinced I would be. In fact, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be happy being a lawyer. But somehow I'm not quite yet willing to completely rule it out, which means I have not been able to articulate my lack of desire to go to law school strongly enough to my family, which means they keep pushing me.

I would love to get a Ph.D., but I am deathly afraid of not getting into the program I want (or any program) and also not quite sure what I would do with such a degree. I know I don't want to teach (I can't stand stupid people), which doesn't leave me with very many options. And it's a lot of time for something useless in the end. And I hate being so damn practical about it.

I am afraid of failure.

I don't want to settle and yet at this point, in so many realms, I don't even know what is settling and what is taking the harder route. And does not settling mean being too picky? And what are the other options? Can't they both lead to unhappiness?

Yeah, that's why I've been avoiding doing this for so long...


At 10/24/07, 2:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are an amazing writer and you seem passionate about it...why not do something with writing? Like write a book or something?

At 10/27/07, 5:53 PM, Blogger yakki said...

eli7, sorry you're so frustrated. do you want advice l'ma'aseh or just to vent? :) maybe your answers rest in tefilot.

At 11/15/07, 8:09 AM, Blogger Rebecca said...

I was extremely afraid of rejection as well, but I still applied to various graduate programs. B"H, I was accepted to my #1 choice. Like you, I don't think that I could teach, but my degree is versatile enough that I have other options.

Good luck sorting out your life!


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