Monday, October 09, 2006

2 a.m. Emotional Jumble: Stupid People and Sprinklers

Emotional overload. So, I sit down to write this post and have no idea where to start or what I want to say, only that I want to write. A jumble of emotions, not an organized list of random thoughts. We're devolving. There is no we, just me. My friend says that graduating is death--that my graduating is like my dying to her. I don't want to graduate. Or die. But I do want to know what I would like from my life--journalism? Do I really want to edit for the rest of my life? I can't imagine my life without it. I also can't imagine my life with 4-to-midnight working hours for the rest of my life. It's no way to raise a family. If I get the chance to raise a family. But maybe law? And suffer through the LSATs and take the chance of getting in trouble because I don't go by my legal name and go into ridiculous debt and enter the corporate rat race. Yes, maybe that's what I want. Right, except instead I've chosen to thoroughly disappoint pretty much every grown-up relative I have. But if I weren't disappointing them, I'd be disappointing myself. Should I teach for America? I hate stupid people. I don't want to take two years off from the rest of my life. I cannot deal with stupid people. I repeat. But they recruited me. They want me. There's something sort of appealing about that. About being wanted. Also about giving back. About not being a selfish, greedy student. About caring for others. I don't know what I care about most. I need priorities. I need a trip to Israel. I need FunTak for the pictures falling off of my wall. I miss my friends. I have lost touch with too many friends. I don't understand my friends anymore and they don't understand me. Except when they do. Do they? I want it to rain so I can wear my new boots. I can't decide if I like my new boots. I don't have a community anymore. I will miss exhausted 3 a.m. walks across campus to my dorm through the sprinklers on College Walk staring at the lit library marveling at the fact that there are always people inside studying and that I was given a chance to study here and that I love it. I am afraid to leave it.

2 Comments:

At 10/10/06, 7:32 AM, Blogger Scraps said...

(((HUGS)))

That's all I have to say.

 
At 10/10/06, 2:34 PM, Blogger Devorah said...

There is so much to say about this post, but not enough time to address it now. I will say this much. It's true, you're friends don't understand you anymore and you don't understand them as well as you used to understsand each other. It's true, that it easiest to maintain that sort of knowing understanding when friends are in near identical situations or stages of life facing similar challenges, etc. But your friends who know who you are deep down inside can still understand what it must be like, even if it is much harder to really empathize or even fathom the depth of the inner conflict. But since we care, we do try..

 

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